The places ones heart can travel........

As I sit here before an empty screen, my hearts wonders if there are really any words to describe all that my heart is feeling. ***** I wonder how long it would take for us to drown if we as humans would bottle up and sit in every tear we have ever cried. For some would it be at a tender age of 4 ? I think of a young child I love so dearly. My heart longs to know she is safe and happy. Has she already experienced enough grief to drown in her own tears ? When I think of my own sorrows and the many haunting nights of grief I have experienced in my lifetime I can't help but feel sorrow for others. I have had my own griefs and pain no doubt but there are so many others I know who have had more. I can't imagine a lifetime of the intense sorrows some seem to find bestowed upon them. A life without love is really no life at all. I find that the very air I breathe seems to be generated by those whom I love the most. For me to live without those I dearly love would be like living without air. As I allow my memories to travel down distant lanes I find myself being reminded of a little girl. I remember holding her in my arms and feeling such intense love. As my memories fast forward I then see my empty arms wrapped around myself. I will never forget that emptiness. My arms literally ached for months. My heart for years. I can't even begin to imagine the pain one must feel when having lost a baby they have carried for nine months and then raised into adult hood. I can't imagine being the parent or grandparent of a precious child and having them stolen from me. When my mind wonders to that scary night when I was just 12 years old I thank God that His loving arms were there to protect me. I can't even begin to imagine the pain a child's heart must go through when their innocence is so abruptly stolen. Even more, as a mother I can't and do not even want to try and imagine how one must feel holding their hurt baby knowing that life took from them something they could never get back. Holding their child and feeling the intense pain that must come from knowing you were not there to protect them when they needed it the most. My thoughts toss and turn as a wave. Each new one bringing into mind a thousand more. In all my pain and grief I have never come close to the feelings of what some others have had to endure. A few weeks ago I found myself laying in bed wondering what it would be like to have my grandchild taken from me before I ever even got to know if it was a boy or a girl. At that moment lying in bed I realized that we all go about our daily lives never coming close to truly understanding the pain another heart is feeling. When I think of so many people I love my heart breaks for them. At the same time my heart places them in my hero category. I think of one lonely and very very lost soul in particular. He has been fighting his own demons for years. As hard as I tried to pull him into the light I failed. I have since come to realize that only he can reach for that light and grasp it. I might have never known a more lonelier soul then this one. While others may look at him and see brokenness I look at him beyond all the brokenness and see a hero. He has continually lost all that is so dear to him yet he chooses to get up every day. Alas, he might choose to drown himself in more demons but he is a survivor. And one day he will walk into that light and he will be set free. I believe this because I believe in him. He might not see himself as a hero. He might not be able to see past all the demons, period. But he is definitely a hero in my book. As I sit here my mind wonders to my childhood. How I longed to know of that which helped bring me into my very existence. The pain I found in that. Yet I grew up in a loving home with two parents. My heart aches for those who lost the one who had carried them close to their womb for nine months. The one who fed them as babies. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to share your new found joy as a parent with your very own parent. I think of how whenever my heart tries to imagine loosing the very breath within me I am brought to tears. To have to place your soul mate into a grave is something I beg God to never allow my heart to experience. Then there is something I will never forget because my heart continues to remind me of that one particular day when I was 16. I remember sitting in a car with someone almost twice my age. He was a strong man who I looked up to. I will never forget as he wept and cried to me like a baby. He looked so beaten and worn. He was broken by circumstances that no husband should ever have to endure. Throughout my childhood and adult years I have watched so many people I love be beaten by the ugliness of this world. If one were to write a story of the peoples lives that I know, the reader would convince themselves that it couldn't possibly be all true. That one woman and her decedents could never experience so much tragedy in just 3 generations. Yet it all happened. Some things even too horrendous to allow ones heart to remember on a little old blog. As I sit here looking back on my life and on those whom I love I can't help but be amazed by all the heroes in my life. The people I know who have refused to stop living. All those who chose to go on just one more day. Yes, my heart still aches. I am human and my pains are real. Others have no idea and I guarantee it is harder then they think. Yet I continue to find this heart aching for others in their pain that also is so real. I questioned in my blog the other day whether life is just life and bad luck or if there is more to it then that. This heart knows that this family has seen enough heartache. It also knows it has nothing to do with bad luck. The enemy has stolen to much already. This heart is going to get back up and fight. It will not allow the enemy to continue to steal and destroy. I will fight for my spouse, my children. For my loved ones. It might not be easy but I will fight and I will receive the victory.