Being Real........

As I sit here trying to drown my sorrows in a cup of coffee I can't help but quietly scream inside"God make yourself real" ! This past week was one full of much anticipation and excitement only to be slapped in the face again this weekend. I am so tired of feeling like every time we get just about standing on our own two feet again to be pushed down. I find myself sympathizing with those who have been knocked down and just never seem to get their life on the good track again. Once you are down life and people seem to try their hardest to keep you there. It makes me wonder what is the spiritual take on it or is it just life and lack of luck ? I keep praying. I have even begged God to show me how to pray, what to rebuke, what to do period. I know deep down inside somewhere that God will totally bring us out of this to a better place. I do know that. Right ? Stacy, you do know that. I mean we are not gonna stay in this ditch our whole life. God is not a liar. He is good and His promises remain true forever ! I do know that yet I am not gonna be so religious that I can't admit I have serious doubts some days. Last night as I laid there and cried to my husband I explained that the thing that makes me the most sad is that Chad shared with me the other day sometimes he just wonders if the whole God thing is really true. Now this in itself wouldn't be so sad to me except I myself have never dealt with this at all in my childhood. Or early adult hood. I never ever doubted that God existed, ever.........until.... well until the past year. Now I am not to ashamed to admit this. I mean in my doubts I know God is real because He has shown himself to me in such ways that I could never say He doesn't exist. I have heard Him speak out loud to me. I have seen Him move on my behalf. I have had dreams from Him. So I know He is real and yet I have to say there have been days where I questioned myself. I have thought what if I imagined everything ? What if it was all coincidence ? What if we are all just believing something because ...because why ? Now in the past I have been around people who think this is something horrible for any person to say or admit but let me just remind everyone that God knows our hearts and our feelings better then we do ourselves. We can hide things from others and even try to hide things from ourselves but God knows. So for me or anyone to admit this isn't horrible to God. He already knows my doubts and fears. It might make me horrible to others but frankly I just don't care about that. But I feel as if I have lost the main point in me admitting this. I was saying all this to say that it made me so sad when Chad shared that with me because I knew I myself have recently struggled with those same thoughts. Just didn't expect him too at such a young age. What has made me so melancholy this morning ? We were suppose to sign papers yesterday and get the keys to our new home. That didn't happen. Eugene has already taken off this coming Monday and Tuesday ( in a week from today) so we could move in. We already planned to come to Pa over labor day weekend and get all our stuff from storage. I am tired of having to tell my son he we are not getting the house after all. I am tired of seeing his crushed face. I am tired of saying "soon" whenever he asks when we are going to get his stuff out of storage. I am tired of living in other peoples houses and hotels. It has been over two years since I said goodbye to our Marion home. Chad was six when we packed up everything on that life changing day. This October he will be nine. We are tired. NOTE : I am not saying I do not think God exists. I know God is real. I am simply being honest with the mind struggles I have. I know that God exist and I know that the doubts that come into my mind are simply a ploy from the enemy. I know God is taking care of us and will continue to do so. I know that we are still so blessed. I love God with all my heart. I am simply being real.