Quick update on the housing situation.....

I wanted to quick take the time to update my readers on the house situation. Our realtor has spoken with the owner and has reassured us the home could still be ours if we want. We are now just waiting to see how long it might take. The owner himself has yet to return any of our calls and is still busy with his mother. The realtor explained the owner has been called out of town due to his mother being admitted into the hospital. We have been praying for the Lord to lead us. We have started looking again. We like the house and have no problems purchasing it but as we were to have gone to settlement in July and it is soon September we are starting to wonder if we shouldn't purchase it. We really don't want to buy it if the Lord has something else in mind. So if you think about it please keep us in your prayers as we decide what to do. There are some other homes available but we need $3,000 to $5,000 more then we have to get in. We really want to get into a home of our own as the homes we are looking at are super cheap. The mortgage payment would be half of what we would pay in rent for a 2 bedroom condo at the beach ! We would be able to pay off our home within 5 years and live mortgage free :)

First day of 3rd grade for Chad

Today was our first day of school. Chad wasn't to sure about summer vacation being over but he admitted to having fun today :) Of course the first day of school doesn't require near as much work as other days ! lol We did basic stuff. Talked about the upcoming school year. Did some seat work. Oh yeah and got in some swimming and a trip to Ihop ! Chad has been in bed sleeping for some time now after a nice long shower and a warm cup of milk. I on the other hand had grading and preparations to do. The school year is a busy time and I pray the Lord soon blesses us with a home and yard of our own to complete the 3rd grade in. I have so many plans for the year. I have lots of activities I want to carry through. Many which require a yard of our own. Well tonight my writings will be short. I am exhausted and the lull of the dishwasher washing dishes is putting me to sleep. The soft lullaby music that is still playing from when I put Chad down doesn't help either. Goodnight dear readers. Be blesssed.

Back to square one ?

Back to square one ? That's where we think we are. Last weekend we were suppose to meeting up with the guy on our house to sign papers and get the keys. This week we were going to be moving in. When we showed up for our scheduled meeting he wasn't there. After many messages and days later his secretary finally called to say he is held up with his sick mom at the hospital and she needs surgery. Told us that he will call us when he is available. It has been over a week since we have heard from him personally. Even more weird is the realtor wouldn't tell us anything either. (He is friends with the business/home owner) Something doesn't seem right to us. We are wondering if God is just trying to spare us from something and delaying the process until we get the hint. Not going into to much detail because I need to get ready for church. Please pray that God gives us wisdom and leads us into the right direction. We are really frustrated and just want to settle down for once.

The places ones heart can travel........

As I sit here before an empty screen, my hearts wonders if there are really any words to describe all that my heart is feeling. ***** I wonder how long it would take for us to drown if we as humans would bottle up and sit in every tear we have ever cried. For some would it be at a tender age of 4 ? I think of a young child I love so dearly. My heart longs to know she is safe and happy. Has she already experienced enough grief to drown in her own tears ? When I think of my own sorrows and the many haunting nights of grief I have experienced in my lifetime I can't help but feel sorrow for others. I have had my own griefs and pain no doubt but there are so many others I know who have had more. I can't imagine a lifetime of the intense sorrows some seem to find bestowed upon them. A life without love is really no life at all. I find that the very air I breathe seems to be generated by those whom I love the most. For me to live without those I dearly love would be like living without air. As I allow my memories to travel down distant lanes I find myself being reminded of a little girl. I remember holding her in my arms and feeling such intense love. As my memories fast forward I then see my empty arms wrapped around myself. I will never forget that emptiness. My arms literally ached for months. My heart for years. I can't even begin to imagine the pain one must feel when having lost a baby they have carried for nine months and then raised into adult hood. I can't imagine being the parent or grandparent of a precious child and having them stolen from me. When my mind wonders to that scary night when I was just 12 years old I thank God that His loving arms were there to protect me. I can't even begin to imagine the pain a child's heart must go through when their innocence is so abruptly stolen. Even more, as a mother I can't and do not even want to try and imagine how one must feel holding their hurt baby knowing that life took from them something they could never get back. Holding their child and feeling the intense pain that must come from knowing you were not there to protect them when they needed it the most. My thoughts toss and turn as a wave. Each new one bringing into mind a thousand more. In all my pain and grief I have never come close to the feelings of what some others have had to endure. A few weeks ago I found myself laying in bed wondering what it would be like to have my grandchild taken from me before I ever even got to know if it was a boy or a girl. At that moment lying in bed I realized that we all go about our daily lives never coming close to truly understanding the pain another heart is feeling. When I think of so many people I love my heart breaks for them. At the same time my heart places them in my hero category. I think of one lonely and very very lost soul in particular. He has been fighting his own demons for years. As hard as I tried to pull him into the light I failed. I have since come to realize that only he can reach for that light and grasp it. I might have never known a more lonelier soul then this one. While others may look at him and see brokenness I look at him beyond all the brokenness and see a hero. He has continually lost all that is so dear to him yet he chooses to get up every day. Alas, he might choose to drown himself in more demons but he is a survivor. And one day he will walk into that light and he will be set free. I believe this because I believe in him. He might not see himself as a hero. He might not be able to see past all the demons, period. But he is definitely a hero in my book. As I sit here my mind wonders to my childhood. How I longed to know of that which helped bring me into my very existence. The pain I found in that. Yet I grew up in a loving home with two parents. My heart aches for those who lost the one who had carried them close to their womb for nine months. The one who fed them as babies. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to share your new found joy as a parent with your very own parent. I think of how whenever my heart tries to imagine loosing the very breath within me I am brought to tears. To have to place your soul mate into a grave is something I beg God to never allow my heart to experience. Then there is something I will never forget because my heart continues to remind me of that one particular day when I was 16. I remember sitting in a car with someone almost twice my age. He was a strong man who I looked up to. I will never forget as he wept and cried to me like a baby. He looked so beaten and worn. He was broken by circumstances that no husband should ever have to endure. Throughout my childhood and adult years I have watched so many people I love be beaten by the ugliness of this world. If one were to write a story of the peoples lives that I know, the reader would convince themselves that it couldn't possibly be all true. That one woman and her decedents could never experience so much tragedy in just 3 generations. Yet it all happened. Some things even too horrendous to allow ones heart to remember on a little old blog. As I sit here looking back on my life and on those whom I love I can't help but be amazed by all the heroes in my life. The people I know who have refused to stop living. All those who chose to go on just one more day. Yes, my heart still aches. I am human and my pains are real. Others have no idea and I guarantee it is harder then they think. Yet I continue to find this heart aching for others in their pain that also is so real. I questioned in my blog the other day whether life is just life and bad luck or if there is more to it then that. This heart knows that this family has seen enough heartache. It also knows it has nothing to do with bad luck. The enemy has stolen to much already. This heart is going to get back up and fight. It will not allow the enemy to continue to steal and destroy. I will fight for my spouse, my children. For my loved ones. It might not be easy but I will fight and I will receive the victory.

Being Real........

As I sit here trying to drown my sorrows in a cup of coffee I can't help but quietly scream inside"God make yourself real" ! This past week was one full of much anticipation and excitement only to be slapped in the face again this weekend. I am so tired of feeling like every time we get just about standing on our own two feet again to be pushed down. I find myself sympathizing with those who have been knocked down and just never seem to get their life on the good track again. Once you are down life and people seem to try their hardest to keep you there. It makes me wonder what is the spiritual take on it or is it just life and lack of luck ? I keep praying. I have even begged God to show me how to pray, what to rebuke, what to do period. I know deep down inside somewhere that God will totally bring us out of this to a better place. I do know that. Right ? Stacy, you do know that. I mean we are not gonna stay in this ditch our whole life. God is not a liar. He is good and His promises remain true forever ! I do know that yet I am not gonna be so religious that I can't admit I have serious doubts some days. Last night as I laid there and cried to my husband I explained that the thing that makes me the most sad is that Chad shared with me the other day sometimes he just wonders if the whole God thing is really true. Now this in itself wouldn't be so sad to me except I myself have never dealt with this at all in my childhood. Or early adult hood. I never ever doubted that God existed, ever.........until.... well until the past year. Now I am not to ashamed to admit this. I mean in my doubts I know God is real because He has shown himself to me in such ways that I could never say He doesn't exist. I have heard Him speak out loud to me. I have seen Him move on my behalf. I have had dreams from Him. So I know He is real and yet I have to say there have been days where I questioned myself. I have thought what if I imagined everything ? What if it was all coincidence ? What if we are all just believing something because ...because why ? Now in the past I have been around people who think this is something horrible for any person to say or admit but let me just remind everyone that God knows our hearts and our feelings better then we do ourselves. We can hide things from others and even try to hide things from ourselves but God knows. So for me or anyone to admit this isn't horrible to God. He already knows my doubts and fears. It might make me horrible to others but frankly I just don't care about that. But I feel as if I have lost the main point in me admitting this. I was saying all this to say that it made me so sad when Chad shared that with me because I knew I myself have recently struggled with those same thoughts. Just didn't expect him too at such a young age. What has made me so melancholy this morning ? We were suppose to sign papers yesterday and get the keys to our new home. That didn't happen. Eugene has already taken off this coming Monday and Tuesday ( in a week from today) so we could move in. We already planned to come to Pa over labor day weekend and get all our stuff from storage. I am tired of having to tell my son he we are not getting the house after all. I am tired of seeing his crushed face. I am tired of saying "soon" whenever he asks when we are going to get his stuff out of storage. I am tired of living in other peoples houses and hotels. It has been over two years since I said goodbye to our Marion home. Chad was six when we packed up everything on that life changing day. This October he will be nine. We are tired. NOTE : I am not saying I do not think God exists. I know God is real. I am simply being honest with the mind struggles I have. I know that God exist and I know that the doubts that come into my mind are simply a ploy from the enemy. I know God is taking care of us and will continue to do so. I know that we are still so blessed. I love God with all my heart. I am simply being real.