Being real with my fears......

Today I am gonna be real and open up a little with my readers. As Adults we rarely talk about our fears. Ex specially as parents. I mean we are suppose to be the brave ones , after all. Early Monday morning I was awakened from a nightmare and found myself laying there thinking of a fear I never thought would be mine. Most of us, as children grew up in an environment that we would never fear the lack of a roof over our heads. I mean a house and food were just the norm. Homeless people were just those we walked by and were told we couldn't help because really they must be drunks or drug addicts. After all, if they weren't they wouldn't be homeless. This last year and a half has opened my eyes up further then ever before. It has also brought a slight hidden fear into my heart. It has broken my heart when on more then one occasion this past year my son has asked me "what if God let's us be homeless , after all God let's the people living under the bridge be homeless...". Now in the past I would have assured my son that of course we would never be homeless while in the back of my mind think to myself, they are only homeless because they haven't tried hard enough. I no longer think that way though, and in the last year have often found myself assuring my son we would NEVER be homeless knowing I was pushing down that same fear myself. I would always tell Chad that we have to many family members and that would never happen to us but then would think where are the family members of those on the streets ? Did they get tired of them ? Did they think they were dragging them down ? Maybe they couldn't afford them anymore. Or maybe they could..... maybe the people on the street started feeling like they were to much of a burden and ...... ? I tell you, I have never thought so much about those people as I do now. When Eugene and I went on our road trip, it was amazing how many people we passed in towns that were homeless. My hearts broke for them. For the first time in my life my heart could relate to them. Now when I looked at them, they reminded me of where we could have been if it wasn't for family. Even as I write this, there are tears forming in my eyes for them. I remember their faces. I remember giving one man a bottle of water and a snack and wishing I could do so much more. One man we passed was holding a sign asking for work. My heart broke because I knew the feeling to so desperately to want work and not have it. It made me sad to think most people , even if they had a job they could offer them would turn their face the other way. At one time, I too, very well could have done the same thing. I think seeing them broke my heart for two reasons. One because I felt so sad for them and two because I felt we were just a disguised "one of them". When Eugene lost his job he wasn't even gonna apply for unemployment because he was so sure he would have a job right away. We had no idea it would drag out so long. Hundreds of applications and resumes later and a year had already passed. At first my eyes were "closed" to our situation. Until one day someone refereed to us as homeless. Then a couple of weeks later someone else. So that was what we had been reduced to. We were the people with a van. LOL When I think of that van, I am so thankful the Lord provided it for us. I hated that thing when it was first given to us but my husband loved it. He was so excited about it ! I remember telling him I would never be seen in that thing. Oh, How God Must Have Laughed ! Little did I know just how much time I would be spending in that thing. On our trip out west I was so thankful we had it to sleep in at night. When camping out west I was very happy to be in that instead of a tent ! Anyway, as you all know Gene does have a job now. I know the Lord will take care of us and restore that which was lost. I know this and yet I had a dream that we were looking for a place to sleep and had to sneak into a closed building so we could have a roof over our heads. I saw Chad there all curled up with a pillow and cover with Gene. I looked at him sleep and had such fear in my heart..... And then I woke up. Once awake, I tried to talk sense into my heart yet the fear wanted to stay. I laid there and explained to my heart, Eugene has a job...we have a place to stay... family would never let us on the streets. I know it will take some time for all of us and honestly I don't think we will ever be the same. In some ways I don't want us to be the same. I don't want us to forget. I want us to be all the more thankful for what we do have. I never want to look at those less fortunate again and think it must be their fault. Later on that same day as my dream, I was taking a walk with Chad he opened up and I realized my son still has the same fear also. He asked me what if we become homeless. What if now that we are in a different state family can't give us a roof....what if we didn't have $ to call them and ask them for help....what if.....what if...... I know as God's children we are not to walk in fear. I know that. I also know as God's children it doesn't mean life will always be easy. I see how God's hand was with us through our whole journey. I feel so blessed ......but I still have fears. Again, I was reminded of that last night. A "scruffy" "hard looking" single dad with two kids moved in down the hall. I shared with Gene on the phone last night, how it is amazing peoples fears can be passed down. Fears you took on as a child can pop up and remind you when you least expect it. Yet what I have learned is our fears can make us prejudice. Just because someone is "scruffy" doesn't mean he will harm me. Yet because of deep hidden fears I get worried. If Eugene was with me here would have been no problem. Because I am here alone, my fears creep in and I automatically go to judge ....... Lord, help me to be led by the spirit and not by my fears.